Maybe, that’s it.

Some part of my brain tells me that I have to stop thinking about myself and myself alone.

Reason remembered

Last week, I fell back to the state where I pretty much stopped feeling anything. I  found out that it would be easier this way.

I did not feel offended with what people say, I did not hurt when they dont like me, I did not feel fear nor panic when circumstances were not going my way.

In exchange of all this, I also did not feel the happiness when something good happens, I found it hard to laugh, to hope and to dream.

That way, I was less vulnerable. I had toughen myself up against all the blows of the system.  I have once said that I am now exposed to a  system where there were no place for the weak, for those who feel; where the gates of moving forward are open only to the strongest.

I forgot one simple thing, the very thing that I like best on this system. The strong ones help the weak. They do not limit progress to themselves, they share it. They defy the system, they defend the weak.

Having remembered this, I now have the reason to feel again. For I now, I know it again. There are those who care.

Tomorrow, i will turn 18.

Tomorrow, I will officially be an adult.

Starting tomorrow, I can legally drink, get a tattoo, get a driver’s license.

Tomorrow, I will be solely responsible of my actions.

I can move out of the house and start my life with me in charge.

Starting tomorrow, I can be sent to jail and not the juvenile center.

But then again, tomorrow will be just another day.

I will not act like an adult, but still like a child.

I wont be drinking alocoholic stuff, get a tattoo or even get a driver’s license tomorrow, just because I can.

I will continue live in my parents’ house, together with my family, the way that I have been doing since then.

I will not do anything to get me to prison.

Tomorrow, I will turn 18. Nothing will change…well, except for the numbers.

Tell me,

how do I continue doing something that I am not happy with?

Oh and another thing:

I am turning 18 on the 22nd.

I will be of age really soon.

Damn. I so want a tattoo. Haha.

I’m back and still incoherent.

41 days since my last post and I still can’t think of anything to write but the usual bleh updates [which, by the way, in this case are not so usual].

So, school’s been hell but that’s already given. UP has been anything but a comfort to me lately. And I know how that last line sounded but I can’t help it. Oh, right, maybe I can. So rephrasing: EEE has been anything but a comfort to me lately. My other subjects are generally okay…and I am beginning to like Math best. Honest.

Oh, I ‘ve been away to a camp and climb last weekend. It was for my PE class. The experience was a real treat, even though the whole thing caused me to be poor for a week. We were taught how to skimboard and to play ultimate ["It's not frisbee, it's ultimate. Frisbee's the brand of the disc!" , "Okaaaaay"]. Then we sort of climbed a mountain, though we never reached the summit. But it’s okay, I guess.

I am currently obsessed with laptop bags, a backpack-type. I sort of bought a bag at the start of the term, thinking that I could use it as a carrying case. Unfortunately, the bag proved to be not sturdy enough…and that actually made me kinda sad and annoyed at the same time, for the brand of the bag is actually quite known here and my bag sort of gave up on me after just a week of usage. Darn. And I haven’t even tried putting my laptop into it, or even used it for heavy things. Double Darn. And unfortunately, I am finding it hard to save a portion of my weekly allowance, so I still cannot afford to buy a carrying case. But anyway, can anyone message me if they know where to buy some affordable, sturdy and backpack-type laptop bag in the Philippines? Thanks. Ü

I still wish that I could be more creative and more imaginative and paint and write a poem or a story.

I want to be enthusiastic about my studies once more. I want to feel that my majors aren’t downright hard and undoable but challenging and rewarding.

Today, I woke up at 8 AM. I went to panic mode for my math classes are at 7 AM. Then, I looked at my phone, noticed that I have several unread messages so I, uhm, read them. They all said the same thing: classes are suspended due to the storm.  /*whew whew. breathe breathe*/ I promptly flopped to bed and just giggled with delight.

Due to the suspension of classes, I arrived at home, the one in the province, 8 hours earlier. ÜÜÜ

I have established a bond with my new roommates. But it is never close to my bond with Angel. ÜGod, I miss her! Where are you, roommate?

So, for a final thing, I am still chasing my faith. I want to believe that I believe. I tell myself over and over again that I miss my Christian and Catholic life…that I miss my relationship with God. I still dont know where I am at, where my faith is, and how this chase is going to end.

Where am I?

Nursing writer’s block. Darn.

And since Creativity has stalked off again, I am just to post some updates.

First off: I am already enrolled! I am officially a sophomore! This took three days, hours waiting for a subject [thank heavens I only needed to prerog one subject..the rest, I got in the internet-based, uh, system], a half-day suspension of registration due to bad weather and a down system, a harassed dad, a missed trip to Pagudpud! and Vigan!, and lots of money on fare.

Next: I am enjoying an extended vacation. The first day of classes has been moved to June 16. Partly because of h1n1 and the delay in the enrollment process. I might be hitting the water! the sea! this week. But really, I am not sure about that one yet. hm.

Then: I have this growing liking [read: obsession] with fashion blogs! I love the dresses, the shoes, the bags! darn. I do wish I have enough money to actually splurge on them and the courage to really really wear them. Argh! I might be posting some links. Ü

Lastly: All of my plans for this summer was crushed by my old friend, Laziness. So there. Not organized. No hobbies. Pretty much stopped reading and writing. A plain bum. /*shrug*/

it’s beautiful, once again.

I was writing about something completely different and stupid when it occured to me that I should turn the TV off since there was no one watching.

I reached the remote. I decided to check some other shows out. And I saw Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.

I remember the first time that I’ve seen the movie. I was just so enthralled by everything. I remember watching it several times that I know all the lines, memorize the scenes. Yes, even now, as I write this post / watch HP 1, I can still recite them.

Then, I read the books and my perception of the movies were never the sam again. Sure I continue to watch them but I never had that zeal as compared to reading the books.

But now, seeing the first installment in TV, and knowing that they are now filming the first half of the 7th…i can’t just help but be once again be amazed at the world of magic they have created. Sure I now saw through the CGs and stuff, but yeah.

I find myself holding back tears as Ron and Hermione went with Harry through that trapped door, as I know that in the years to come, there will be things worse than fluffy, worse than those flying keys, than those chess pieces.

Suddenly, I became that child who’s at awe with their accent, their spells, their schools. I can remember how it looked to me before. And everything is beautiful, once again.

The Easy 100th post

I sort of stayed away from this blog upon noticing that my last post, Big Leaps, was actually my 99th post.

I mean, should I do the 100-things-about-me? Again? [My other blog reached the 100th post sometime in 2008. ho.]

Honestly, I thought it would be a good idea, but I just have to be frank with myself: I dont have enough creativity in my brains to actually list 100 things about me. Well, for one, there isnt enough things about me right now. hum.

So, the 100th post will be just another post. hmm.

Last July 19, 2008, I sort of started this blog. I reread it and remembered that that post was just 4 days shy of my 17th birthday…yeah, I can’t help it..haha. There was some mention of whether I should give myself a gift or not. Hmm.

Anyway, I am going to paste my 8th post here. It sort of reminded me of the times back then. Sigh. Maybe, this post is not so easy as I thought. Haha. So much memories. Darn darn. Sigh.

I Remember

I remember afternoons in our first house, filled with childish play and dodging the “authorities” who were telling me to go to sleep instead. I remember the scent of the living room, the coolness of the terrace around midday where one could just relax without a care in the world.

I remember the first move. The new house, unfinished yet brimming with promises. I remember the various changes that were made to maximize the space. I remember the new kitchen being constructed. The continuous pounding in the roof and floor making my head ache. I remember the dreams being dreamt and fulfilled within its extended walls. I was happy. I was sad. I missed the old ways. The family prayers that were said in the newly-tiled sala bonding us the way sunday-night-outs never could.

I remember the packing. It was such a cruel world, I thought then. I remember the trucks taking all of our things away. I remember walking slowly, knowing that it would be the last time.

I remember the new house. I remember the first storm. The second floor was flooded, the first, quite dry. I remember sleeping in the only bedroom in the third floor. Mornings were cold, nights were full of bugs attracted to the light. I enjoyed the solitude. I remember being up there, in the “tower”, reading to my heart’s content. The calls of “Dinner!” went unheard until someone goes up the stairs. I loved my new home. I am longing to go back to the one I left.

I remember my ultimate move. To a dorm, 4 or so hours away. I remember choosing which clothes to bring or to leave behind. There were so many bags, so many things to carry, yet I know I am leaving a half of myself. I remember being the last one to turn to bed that night. Casting the house a look and trying to take it all in, wanting to cast the image of a friendly place in my mind.

I remember the adjustment. I remember the tears, can still taste them. I remember being okay. I remember being not.

I remember so many things. So many houses have withered, so many homes were left. The only piece of feeling connects all these. DISLOCATION, heightened by this post. By the way I am remembering the old places now.

I must get away from the memories. This is not the time for them.

Big Leaps

With the incredibly boring, yet flying, summer, I have notices some changes in myself. So thus:

I’ve decided that I could do without my lank, straight-ish hair so I got it permed. It took so long, for apparently, some portions of my hair simply refuse to be curly.

I had to sepia tone the last one for it’s quite blurry. Ü

Now, I dont have to comb my hair every now and then. In fact, once and a not very thorough combing in the morning after bath is quite enough! yay. Ü I now have an excuse whenever my mom thinks my mom looks wild…yeah, it is SUPPOSED to be wild. Haha.

Then, another leap is my grandmother’s illness. Firstly, her kidneys have shrunk and are now in stage 5. She’s undergoing dialysis twice a week. Then, several days ago, she started complaining of belly achek. She was rushed to the hospital and after an ultrasound and a CT scan, it was found out that her liver has this “water masses” in it. Why? No one can seem to explain, at least, as it appears to me. Only, I do remember her having this sort of problem before her kidney problems were detected. So, what could cause water mass in the liver and shrinking kidneys? House? Any diagnosis?

Dad says it’s probably due to the many many many meds she had and has to take.

Oh, and I also started reading again. Congratulations to me! “Bows to self* Haha. I was engrossed with Harry Potter 6 and 7. They kept me busy for some days. I also downloaded an e-book from bookay. I think the story was a Carlos Palanca Award winner. I have not started reading the book, “Guerilla Warfare”, for I am a bit impatient with the computer and the internet nowadays, thus explaining the lack of posts.—another biggish leap.

I also feel lesson deprived. Lesson as in the prof-class -lesson thing. I must be mad but I am missing school. “Let’s go UP!” As mad as it sounds, I miss racking my brain for ideas, looking around for some inspiration, staring out the window and hoping there’s an answer written on the clouds. Haha. What I dont miss are the hours before a major exam. That’s when I am most pressured to review and the slightest distraction stabs my conscience like some hot knife. Sheesh. haha. really.

I also have not gone through any readings from the student study center of the Opus Dei that I go to, Daniw. I have not done any sched for weeks, have not truly prayed since about the 2nd week of April, lost some of my tolerance to things. Strangely enough, I have not felt any twinge of conscience while I am enumerating all of these. Yeah, it’s good that I know my shortcomings and I accept them…but its disgusting that I am not doing anything to correct them…or whatever it is you do to shortcomings.

The 12th [?] International Kids’ Village is coming. I will attend. i just wish I can truly serve.

One leap this week is the “advancement” of our case against the burglar. His bonds are now canceled [he bailed himself out] and a warrant is about to be served to him. I really dont know what to feel about this whole thing. Scared, mostly, then impatient to those who can’t talk about anything else…then, recently, indifference. I dont effing care! ho.

Another change nowadays is the fact that I am now taking care of our dogs…especially to chuchi: 2 mos, AsKal [stray dog, no breed] and has been the household’s joy since the day she arrived.

She seems to be sick lately, though. her hind legs look like they are in pain. She is no longer the energetic and wiggly [there is no other word for it] pup she used to be. Aw. I do hope she gets better real soon.

And the last, finally, but the biggest leap, I wrote the whole post on a scrap paper. Layouting the post and labeling the pics. Everyone who has been with me during any paper work would know that I sort of abhor scratch and I think more when I am hitting the keyboard. I have never appreciated the beauty of sheer writing…well, until now.

sources: got House’s pic here.